Yankee Ingenuity

After pinpointing my G-spot, the next step, naturally, was to lavishly entertain it. Research and development of a sustainable masturbation technique was a rigorous, fatiguing, and sometimes riotous process. But seek and ye shall find.

Masturbation tool kit. – Aries Blake

I experimented with known masturbation techniques to little avail. Fucking your pussy with a dildo on the bed is fun until carpel tunnel kills the buzz. Riding a dildo stuck to the floor or shower wall is for 18 year-old gymnasts and contortionists respectively. Riding a dildo attached to the toilet seat can and does cause orgasms in the rider. This method, however, requires the quad strength of a power lifter and my best squatting days are vague memories.

After an exhaustive period of trial and error, I haphazardly employed an ingenious use for the iconic George Foreman Grille in my masturbation repertoire.  The grille’s plastic lid, that simple three-cent piece of petrochemical engineering, now held the power of my orgasm. My pet name for this new giver of pleasure was “The Vaginator,” and my idolatrous devotion was complete.

Stay tuned; on Monday, I will reveal homespun technology for combining a simple cooking machine and a sex chair to facilitate powerful vaginal orgasms.

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